BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. It’s a consensual sexual practice involving a range of activities that may include role-playing, restraint, and power exchange.
Some in the therapeutic professions view BDSM as a pathology due to societal stigma and misunderstandings about alternative sexual practices. They may perceive it as deviant or unhealthy, but this perspective is increasingly being challenged as more research and understanding of BDSM emerges.
Many therapists now recognise BDSM as a legitimate expression of human sexuality as long as it’s consensual, SAFE, and doesn’t cause harm to the individuals involved. All backgrounds, ages, sexualities and genders may have an interest in BDSM. This may range from enjoyment of wearing clothing and accessories associated with it – latex, neoprene, chains – through to attending clubs with dungeons (while this may shock many, consent is key to all that goes on).
The majority of those who consider themselves members of the BDSM community have an understanding of the aforementioned consent, as well as negotiation and responsibility in intimate relationships and encounters. Coercive, bullying and/or predatory individuals are not tolerated. If a person says no, using an agreed safe word, activities must stop immediately.
Participants will agree ‘safe words’ in advance because, in imaginary scenarios, a participant may cry out no, stop, and such like, but they do not mean it in that context. If they suddenly shout whatever safe word was agreed – bananas, goldfish, cardboard, whatever (it can be a word chosen with humour and randomness) – it is recognised and acted upon. BDSM is play, not reality, whatever the scene and how it might appear to others if they saw it taking place.
Can involvement in consensual BDSM practices be psychologically and emotionally healing? Yes, involvement in consensual BDSM practices can be psychologically and emotionally healing for some individuals. It can provide opportunities for self-exploration, empowerment, and emotional release, within a safe and controlled environment.
For some, BDSM can facilitate communication, trust-building and intimacy in relationships. Engaging in BDSM activities can help individuals explore and understand their desires, boundaries and fantasies, leading to greater self-awareness and acceptance. What’s really important for participants is to approach BDSM with open communication, clear boundaries and a commitment to safety, to ensure a positive and healing experience as well as enjoyable in the moment.
You should never encounter judgement or receive a sense of negativity towards you from a counsellor. This is true whether you are a paying client or one who has entered into a therapeutic contract with a volunteer or trainee. It is also true if you have entered into a therapeutic pathway via the NHS. Still, life being what it is, you might – and if you do, it is indicative of the foundational principles of therapy not being adhered to.
A therapist who has a problem working with a client should be taking it to their supervisor to discuss and work through. If they have issues of their own that make working with a client difficult for them and not good for the client, they should refer the person on. It can’t be said not to ever happen. We are human and can have our own issues, beliefs and opinions – but they have no business being brought into the therapeutic space. Recognising and acting on knowledge of our own barriers and limitations, by keeping clients safe from exposure to anything we hold within ourselves that could upset them, is ethical. It is right for therapists who encounter difficulty in this way to disengage from but help clients, by working to find someone better able to help them.
Xander works as a sex-positive counsellor, which essentially means they are not going to judge people or in any way impose guilt, blame or shame for their sexual fantasies, engagements in sexual activities, or sexual orientation. Often, clients come to therapy with blame, shame and guilt to work through. It is nearly always received from others rather than themselves, but has come to be taken as truth and appropriately applied to them, which it isn’t.
Of course, the limits of confidentiality apply in all therapeutic scenarios – if a person were to reveal they had perpetrated a crime or planned to, or that they were going to hurt themself or someone else, all counsellors and psychotherapists are required by law to notify appropriate agencies and/or the police. But this is rare.
xph therapy offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve. Get in touch in a variety of ways. See the contact page for more info.