When there’s malicious gossip going round about you, it can feel like a bomb going off inside your head. Talking it through with a counsellor can help.
When we discover someone has enough bad energy (for want of a better descriptive) to try not only hurting our feelings with lies, but sometimes our relationships and careers as well, it’s a shock even if we already know the principal muck-spreader isn’t to be trusted. It’s an even bigger one if we thought the person was trustworthy and we valued them in our lives.
It’s a form of othering – being put outside the door, not wanted, lied about – and it can happen to absolutely anyone, although we most often hear of it being experienced by entire communities in society. Few people are able to just ‘shake it off’, especially if someone is making a persistent effort to undermine us. Besides which, we can bury our distress, cover it with flowers, pretend it’s not there when we know it is, and that stuff can end up as corrosive over time as poisons in a landfill.
Isn’t it better to process all our feelings? It’s worth actively choosing to make the decision not to allow upset to have free rein over you, as difficult as that can be. That’s not the same as dismissing or hiding what we feel, though. It’s about getting that stuff out of your system, gaining a new perspective that helps you cope and move forward with a positive outlook.
Having had clients share narratives with me of how they’ve been subjected to hate campaigns, I’ve learned some of the ways in which whispers and lies can impact on the mind and body. Our heads fill with anxious thoughts; our bodies ache with depression and become more susceptible to infections; we may sometimes experience the frightening disorientation and overwhelm of suicidal ideation.
I explore with clients where they are seeing truth in gossip about themselves, albeit wrapped up in distortions, lies and exaggerations. Where that is the case, acknowledging and examining that kernel of truth can help them to determine how best to deal with what isn’t true at all.
People might, for example, choose to ‘own up’ to something, but provide context and dismiss falsehoods at the same time:
“Yes, I went on a date with X but I was unhappy at home because of Y and didn’t feel I could tell you. It doesn’t mean I’m going off with A, B or C because that’s just not true.”
“Doing what I did was wrong and I’m sorry, but it was not without reasons I’m trying to work out to get back on track. The other stuff being said about me is just lies or I’d own up to them as I am doing with this one thing.”
What you do has to be decided by you. No one else. There are also those scenarios where there is no truth to what’s being said, of course. Contrary to the old saying that there’s ‘no smoke without fire’, sometimes there is. And what if you don’t know exactly what’s being said?
It can be frustrating. If you look not only at the source but at those who buy into what’s being said, it can tell you a lot about people’s motivations and character. A lie about you can be an opportunity to learn things those spreading it don’t want anyone to know about them. And that is information you can use to become more discerning in the company you keep.
Don’t attack the source or those spreading rumours. Some may be unwise or naïve rather than wicked and cruel. We’ve all trusted the wrong people, after all. Be polite. Be kind and respectful. Spending a little time on those you see good in isn’t a waste of time – but keeping at it would be. If you have to let go, do it with dignity.
Keep in mind that all gossip loses its power over time. People get bored. They move onto the next scandal, real or imagined.People learn in time, or they don’t. You be you. Make new friends. Grow through the pain and the insight it brings you. Be authentic. Live well.
xph therapy offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve. Get in touch in a variety of ways. See the contact page for more info.