the power and pitfalls of shared experience in therapy

Clients may seek counsellors with identities and lived experiences they perceive as being similar to their own. It’s understandable – but is it necessary? 

A gay male client might want to find a gay male therapist. There could be many reasons for this. Someone struggling with the cost of living might look for a counsellor they think will fully grasp what it’s like to have nothing in a kitchen cupboard and no money. Neurodivergent people can have sensory needs – such as avoiding eye contact, or needing the lighting toned down – and want these understood and accommodated without explanation that might, for some, feel like ‘having to’ justify legitimate needs. 

It’s not only understandable but reasonable to look for help from those who ‘know what it’s like’. Our individual identities, abilities, experiences, and many more factors may well play a part in our thinking when seeking out a counsellor or psychotherapist. 

Counsellors are taught that ‘unconditional positive regard’ and other fundamental tenets of the profession allow us to help anyone with any experiences, challenges, backgrounds. Is this entirely true? No. The idea that counsellors can help anyone with any experience is simplistic. Unconditional positive regard is powerful but does not fully account for complexities of lived experience, cultural competence, nor the nuances of trauma, identity, and socio-economic challenges. 

A counsellor’s lack of personal or cultural understanding can create barriers to trust and openness, even if the counsellor’s regard is entirely positive and unconditional. This is no detriment to any individual; nobody can be all things to all others. Clients may need their counsellor to have some lived or learned insight into their specific challenges – discrimination, poverty, disability, or other marginalised experiences. Otherwise, a well-intentioned counsellor might inadvertently overlook important context, or struggle to connect in ways that resonate with a client’s reality. 

It’s important to add here that there are certain experiences – trauma, discrimination, chronic hardship – that carry emotional and psychological complexities and nuances that might prove difficult to fully appreciate without some degree of personal or vicarious understanding. Unconditional positive regard is a strong foundation, for sure, but the most effective counselling work mixes this with humility, curiosity, and an appreciation for the complexities of each client’s world.

Are there any dangers to having shared experiences with clients? Yes. Shared experiences can lead to something called ‘countertransference’ – where a counsellor’s own unresolved feelings or assumptions influence their responses. A counsellor might resonate so strongly with a client’s story that they assume they ‘know’ what the client feels. It can be challenging to hold a therapeutic boundary if counsellor and client have experienced similar traumas or hardships, because the counsellor may need to manage their own emotions as a consequence, while supporting their client. 

There is something of the above concern over boundaries in the ethical rule that we should not counsel our friends, family, partners or co-workers. A measure of distance – indeed, of not-knowing – can be valuable and protective of both parties. This state of not-knowingness is very different to ignorance, because it is fully acknowledged by the self and is a motivation to learn, through nonjudgmental curiosity and open investigation. This, in my own practice, is where the concept of unconditional positive regard has particular resonance and applicability. 

Counsellors have to balance drawing on their lived experiences, which can be useful to them and their clients, with maintaining a mindful awareness of boundaries while avoiding assumptions. Regular supervision, self-reflection, and ongoing professional development are crucial aids to managing these dynamics, enabling the use of personal insights as resources but without letting them distort or overwhelm their therapeutic work. 

Many counsellors will advertise they work with this or that community or specific focus area. It does not mean exclusively so, unless they say so. There are those who have developed specialisms, intentionally or through accumulated experience, in their client work. They will indicate such on their websites, social media profiles, in counsellor directory listings, and so on. My one recommendation to anyone seeking a counsellor is to get in touch with those that prompt your initial interest, to ask the questions you need answering. Alternatively, set up an initial assessment and ask then. 

The question at the start of this essay was, ‘is it necessary?’ in relation to seeking a counsellor with similar identity and experiences. The answer can’t be a yes or no in all circumstances. Like so much in life, it depends. On need, on the person, on the context. And, the most important thing is, the choice is yours to make.

xph therapy offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve. Get in touch in a variety of ways. See the contact page for more info.