how to survive being discarded like rubbish

Discardment, in the context of intimate relationships, is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. 

DISCARDING VS GHOSTING  

The term ‘ghosting’ is synonymous with being ignored. It is when a friend, ex-partner, or even someone you were just chatting with online or went on a few dates with, stops responding to your messages and never communicates again. You generally do not learn why. This can create or ramp up insecurities for the ghosted person. 

A person ghosting you may feel awkward, ashamed, in not knowing how to end things; they could be fleeing from discomfort, rather than acting out of hatred or contempt. 

Discardment is less well known. To discard someone – to throw them away – cannot ever be attributed to the perpetrator being scared of confrontation or cowardly.

Discardment, in the context of avoidant personality types and narcissistic personality disorder, refers to the abrupt and cruel termination of a relationship by one partner, leaving the other feeling abandoned and discarded like trash. This is done without communication or closure, causing significant emotional and psychological distress.

KEY ASPECTS OF DISCARDMENT

• Sudden and unexpected: The discard is abrupt and without warning, leaving the other partner blindsided. 
• Lack of communication or closure: There is no explanation or attempt to discuss any issues leading to the end of the relationship. 
• Emotional detachment: The discarding partner shows a lack of empathy and remorse, treating the other person as disposable. 
• Narcissistic supply: Discard often occurs when the victim is no longer able to provide the narcissist with the attention, admiration, or other needs they seek. This may be due to an emergent health issue, following surgery, being made unemployed or taking up a new job. It can happen after a birth, during palliative care, or when you have suffered a bereavement.
• Devaluation: Before the discard, the narcissist may devalue their partner. This may be through ramping up aggressions; acting in provocative ways; creating or increasing insecurities; destroying trust; criticising and belittling. All of these are precursors to the final discard. 

WHY BEING DISCARDED IS DEVASTATING

• Abandonment and rejection: Being discarded feels like a deep rejection and abandonment, leaving the person feeling worthless. 
• Betrayal of trust: Discarding a relationship without explanation is a profound betrayal of trust, especially if the relationship was long-term. 
• Loss of identity: Being discarded can lead to questioning one’s own worth and identity, as the relationship was a significant part of the victim’s life. 

COPING WITH HAVING BEEN DISCARDED

• Seek support: Connecting with friends, family, or a therapist can all help process the trauma and pain of discard. 
• Don’t try for reconciliation: Nobody who does this to another human being deserves a second chance. They won’t give you the opportunity to make the mistake of trying, anyway; face to face meetings and phone conversations are likely to be replaced by rare text exchanges that they end abruptly. They are their problem – and a problem for others in the future – now. They are not yours. You are not disposable. You are not trash. You matter. This is not your fault. It is theirs. 
• Don’t let them drag it out: The perpetrator may attempt to play with you like a cat does a mouse, keeping you hanging on way beyond their sudden departure. This is an incomplete discardment but it does not imply any reluctance on the part of the perpetrator. It may involve emotional, psychological, financial, or physical hooks. Examples include: pets (which will have been abandoned with you, but involved sharing responsibilities); car and loan agreements; even household items. Be as prepared as you can to be told a thing is staying, only for it to go the next day – or for promises to contribute to pets’ welfare needs such as food and vet bills to come to nothing or start but stop abruptly. 
• Be adaptive and ready for more tough challenges: Remember you can survive without a car or washing machine. Pets can be supported through the help of friends and family, online fundraisers can help too. While you may understandably not want to consider the option, you could approach a rescue centre for advice as a last resort (you will not be judged) if you are struggling financially. You are not abandoning your pets but looking after them if you can’t cope through no fault of your own, and are seeking good homes for them.
• Try not to worry about gossip: The discarder is an abuser and, like all abusers, will try to present their actions as responsible to others (“I left the way I did because they needed me gone”) or they will paint you as the perpetrator and they were running from your abuse. Anything said falsely about you is adding hurt on top of hurt, of course –  but you need to accept there will be those who believe lies and those who won’t. Do not justify or explain yourself.
• Set boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries with the discarding partner, if contact is unavoidable, is crucial for  your emotional and psychological wellbeing. 
• Prioritise self-care: Focusing on self-care – your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing – is essential for recovery. 
• Recognise the pattern:
  Understanding that the discard is a pattern of behaviour associated with narcissistic personality disorder can help in processing the experience.

Get in touch with Xander for a free 30-minute initial assessment and to work out a fee that’s right for your circumstances should you decide to proceed further. Xander has spaces currently available to welcome new clients.

Xander, trading as xph therapy, offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve.