Estrangement from family members can provoke a sense of failure because it challenges societal and personal ideals of close, supportive family bonds.
It can lead to self-doubt, guilt and a sense of not meeting expectations of others. It’s important to remember that family dynamics are nearly always complex, though, with estrangement sometimes felt to be a necessary step for wellbeing and growth. Failure is a subjective feeling, sometimes a quantifiable fact – we lose a race, we don’t pass an exam – but there are other perspectives on what walking away actually is and does.
Navigating estrangement, from the immediate aftermath of taking the decision to the months and years that follow on from it, can be difficult at times. You can be lonely and feel sad for want of bonds you may never have had. You can experience crises where the input of an older sibling or parent would be helpful – if only it was the ‘right’ sibling or parent, perhaps the ones that don’t exist and never will, rather than any of the ones that do.
It’s also possible to become brittle and bitter as time rolls on and your relatives become harder to see in the rear mirror. It’s often no less painful with the passage of time to know and revisit the sense that there is no way back, regardless of whether the familial ‘divorce’ was and is seen by you as a good or bad thing for you personally or even those you’ve left behind.
It is, however, also possible for you to become the opposite of bitter and brittle – to gain optimism, to feel freedom from fear and oppressive conditions of worth, to be your true authentic self without inhibitions or repercussions. Many in the LGBTQ+ community know this well enough. As do those who have suffered physical and sexual abuse in the families they didn’t just estrange themselves from, but fled.
Perceived or quantifiable failures rarely have to be left fixed and immovable unless that is what we want and what feels right for us. You can always retake an exam, run the race next year, pick up the phone and call.
Estrangement is deeply personal and often private, so it’s always going to be challenging to get hold of comprehensive and definitive statistics for any point in history, in any nation or demographic. However, some studies and surveys have given insights that might be of use to reflect on if you’ve gone through an estrangement yourself or work with those who have, in therapy. For a start, while the prevalence of family estrangement varies across regions and cultures, some estimates suggest it affects 10-12% of individuals.
Common reasons for estrangements include conflicts related to abuse, addiction, differing values or beliefs and unresolved family issues. Often, it’s a combination of factors. Estrangements can be temporary or long-lasting, with some individuals eventually reconciling with their family members, while others remain estranged for years or even a lifetime.
Research indicates women are more likely to initiate and experience family estrangement compared to men. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual, intersex, transgender and gender-variant people also report experiencing estrangements either they or their families initiated.
What are the causes of estrangement from families? They include but aren’t limited to financial pressures, personality conflicts, sexuality, gender, mental health issues, religious beliefs, boundaries, addiction, life transitions, communication breakdowns and unresolved conflicts going back decades. The death of a family member can lead to a rupture, as can a birth or wedding. Anything at all can result in an estrangement that can last weeks, months, years, proving in time to be temporary or permanent.
The decision to estrange from family is deeply personal and often driven by a desire for safety, wellbeing and better mental health. Family counselling and individual therapy can help address the issues and potentially facilitate reconciliation where that is something a client wants. They may not want it, or not yet, and it’s important for any observer, professional or friend, to recognise people might be doing the right thing in turning their back on that idea. Families can be wonderful – but they can also be toxic and dangerous.
Even when people don’t ever want to roll back the decision they made, they are likely to need support from friends at various stages of life going forward in estrangement. Everybody, the saying goes, needs somebody. They need the right people, though, at the right time. This might never mean sisters, brothers, mother, father, uncles, aunts… And that’s okay.
Estrangement results from failures in empathy, communication or care – or all three, on one or both sides of the divide. But is it a failure in itself or an action taken with bravery and a realistic outlook, in response to failure? I’d argue it is often the latter.
It’s rarely one failure that leads to estrangement but a series of them, often played out over decades. They tire, they depress, they frustrate, they lead to poor physical and mental health. It isn’t a failure to walk away and break the cycle of pain and distress. It’s potentially a new beginning.
If an estrangement is part of your life story, consider seeing a therapist to discuss it. Counselling can help you move forward and heal. Much love and kindness, and thanks for reading as always. I hope you’ve found this article helpful.
xph therapy offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve. Get in touch in a variety of ways. See the contact page for more info.