Human beings are at our most complex when it comes to the workings of the mind.
For something that is intangible and within ourselves, the mind is an indisputably real and powerful thing that can have an enormous impact. The thoughts we have in our minds can sometimes cause not only ourselves but those we love a great deal of pain.
People act up and get angry when they can’t forgive themselves for things they did wrong (or think they did wrong) long ago. Feelings of unresolved guilt or shame over past actions can result in us getting angry and behaving badly as a way to cope with and respond to the weight and habitual presence of those intensely complex emotions.
The inability to forgive oneself results in self-directed anger and frustration that can manifest in all sorts of behaviours as a means of dealing with and keeping at bay the inner turmoil.
The things we can’t forgive ourselves for don’t have to be serious crimes (and a reminder here is needed that your therapist is required to break confidentiality, by law and the ethical framework they work with, if a client reveals they have committed criminal acts). The issues we present with might not be from anything we’ve done at all, but rather an impression we received from others long ago that we are bad or selfish. This is common in adults who were traumatised as children but anger at ourselves can have many other causes as well.
Counselling can help us navigate feelings and behavioural challenges to learn how to forgive ourselves. It isn’t easy. It takes time. People suffering in this way will usually have gone through a great deal before they seek out help. They will have hurt themselves and others. Their life stories can involve a wide range of difficulties. Examples include maintaining employment and relationships; the severing of family and community connections; sexual dysfunction; self-harm; and, damage to property, reputation and self-esteem.
If this referencing of unresolved guilt, shame and self-blame connects with you as you’re reading this, please consider reaching out for help. Talking to someone on a helpline such as Samaritans (116 123 in the UK) can support you to give voice to what haunts you if you’ve never spoken about it before, because the first time you ‘put it out there’ to anyone can be a massive challenge for anyone and might come to the surface in a crisis. A counsellor can assist you in the longer term, often within an agreed number of sessions, in unpicking the root causes of damaging thoughts, words and behaviours.
There are ways forward and through your challenges. Always. You just have to be ready to tackle the issues. It’s okay if you aren’t ready yet, though. Just know there is help available when you are.
Be kind to you and thanks for reading.
xph therapy offers integrative counselling, which means working with multiple therapy types, including CBT, psychotherapeutic and person-centred to develop a therapeutic pathway just for you, whatever outcome you’re hoping to achieve. Get in touch in a variety of ways. See the contact page for more info.